


50 Stark House Rules and Other Declarations

by thewolfofstormsend



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: 7 kids 6 dogs and a baby goat, AU, Crack taken seriously?, F/M, Fluff, Fuck the everything!Arya and Rickon, Fuck the patriarchy!Sansa, Gendrya - Freeform, M/M, Modern AU, RIP Ned and Catelyn, Stark House Rules, The Stark kids are a fucking handful, shameless fluff, this is meant to be funny, throbb - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-09-06 11:21:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20290612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewolfofstormsend/pseuds/thewolfofstormsend
Summary: One of my Tumblr shit posts that I'll update on here with chapters that tell how each rule was added to the list.





	1. Chapter 1

1\. No medieval weapons are to be given as gifts.

**2\. Rickon and Arya are not to be left in the kitchen together unsupervised. **

3\. No dating Baratheons.

**4\. Do not have sex in the common areas.**

5\. No climbing onto the roof.

**6\. No sneaking out to see your SO.**

7\. No sneaking _in _your SO.

**8\. Do not spike the punch at the Christmas party.**

9\. Under no circumstances are Theon and Robb allowed to babysit.

**10\. Baby goats and other farm animals are not allowed to be brought home without permission.**

11\. Threatening to stab someone is not considered polite dinner conversation. 

**12\. Threatening to have your dog eat someone is _also _not considered polite dinner conversation.**

13\. Archery practice is to be kept outside.

**14\. Please refrain from antagonising CEOs and politicians on social media.**

15\. Fuck The Lannisters is not an appropriate slogan for your class president campaign. 

**16\. Fuck The Lannisters is not an appropriate slogan for your Prom King/Queen campaign.**

17\. It is not appropriate to trademark the term Fuck The Lannisters and try to sell t-shirts, backpacks and sunglasses at school, even if you claim it is for a business assignment. 

**18\. Murder is not the solution to everything. Use your words.**

19\. Overthrowing the government is not the solution to everything.

**20\. Yelling “I’m a bad bitch, you can’t kill me” is not how you should respond to your teacher giving you detention.**

21\. The dogs are not allowed to sit at the table, even if you have trained them to sit like people.

**22\. Dropping fake bodies off the roof is not an acceptable way to welcome the new math tutor into the home. Madam Mordane had to go to therapy.**

23\. The dogs are still not allowed to sit at the table. Dressing them up in ties and button up shirts does not suddenly make them people.

**24\. Poison necklaces are not to be worn to school or social events, even if you think someone there should die.**

25\. Fuck The Freys is also not an appropriate t-shirt slogan.

**26\. It is not appropriate to offer to “top” someone in the cafeteria.**

27\. Yelling “GET SOME” is not the appropriate response to another family member offering to “top” another student at school.

**28\. All SOs must keep their shirts on at all times in the house.**

29\. Please stop threatening to stab people in your Home Ec class.

**30\. No one in this house believes in the Lord of Light. Do not scare others by muttering names over a bunsen burner in science class.**

31\. No, you are not allowed to hand in a slideshow compilation of your favourite memes in lieu of an actual assignment.

**32\. ** **Running off to be a wilding is not a better idea than running off to join the circus.**

33\. “An outlaw, like Wenda the White Fawn” is not a serious answer to give when someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up.

**34\. Stop telling people that Theon knows where to hide a body. We don’t need another visit from the police.**

35\. Do not try and put people on trial for “being a slimy dick” at family reunions. It’s inappropriate even if said man is slimy and needs to stay away from your mother.

**36\. The fact that you yelled at him is not what we meant by using your words.**

37\. Trading blackmail for money at school is not what we meant when we suggested that you should get a job, Bran.

**38\. Trading blackmail for candy at school is not what we meant when we said that you should get a job, Rickon.**

39\. Trading mercenary services for money is not what we meant when we said you should get a job, Arya. 

**40\. King/Queen of the North is not an appropriate name to write on your tests.**

41\. Sending Robert Baratheon a card for Father’s Day saying “thanks for being a ho” is not appropriate.

**42\. Do not wear Fuck The Patriarchy shirts to school. We don’t care if you’ve managed to convince your brothers, your sister and your siblings’ boyfriends to wear them too.**

43\. Trying to bribe someone to “yeet” your cousin out the moon door is not a nice way to celebrate the end of your cousin’s visit from the Vale.

**44\. Trying to give your Aunt Lysa a heart attack is not a wholesome family bonding experience. Stop doing it.**

45\. Do not take your baby goat to school. 

**46\. Boyfriend of the King of the North is not an appropriate name to write on your tests.**

47\. Sending Robert Baratheon a card for your boyfriend’s birthday saying “thanks for being a ho” is still not appropriate.

**48\. Do NOT try and shoot an apple off of someone’s head.**

49\. Threatening to “kneecap that bitch Jeyne Poole” in the school courtyard is not an appropriate response to someone flirting with your boyfriend.

**50\. Threatening to “feed that bitch Ros” to your dog is also not an appropriate response to someone flirting with your boyfriend.**


	2. Rule 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arya gets a sword for Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to the wonderful thelandofnothing for editing this chapter and giving me some great feedback. In this universe I currently see the Stark brood as being the following ages:
> 
> Jon, Robb and Theon - 17  
Sansa - 16  
Arya - 15  
Bran - 13  
Rickon - 12
> 
> I''ll update this in future chapters if anything changes.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: There are mentions of blood in this chapter. It's brief and towards the very end of the chapter but if that bothers you then maybe don't read?

Robb nestled into Theon’s side and sipped his hot chocolate as he watched the pandemonium unfold. Rickon was drowning in wrapping paper as he rolled around on the floor, giggling as he bumped into the tree. Sansa shrieked as she was showered in Christmas baubles and Arya cackled at their uncharacteristically unkempt sister. Their mother tried to claw back some semblance of control over the situation until it became obvious that any attempt would be frivolous.

“Is that all the presents?” Their father finally asked. “Or are there more under the tree we haven’t managed to pull out yet?”

Sansa dodged Rickon’s flailing limbs as she checked the tree. “There’s nothing left under the tree. I’m surprised you managed to get all our presents under the tree in the first place.”

Their mother raised an eyebrow at them. “Does that mean we should buy you less gifts next year?”

“No!” Rickon yelled desperately.

Arya threw her stocking at Sansa’s head with terrifying accuracy. “Shut up, Sansa.” She turned to their mother. “The presents this year were the perfect amount. Just enough to fit under the tree.”

Their father chuckled and reached down to mess with her unruly bed hair. “I think you’ve made a convincing argument, Arya.”

“Actually,” Jon cleared his throat. “I have one more gift to give.”

Robb felt Theon snort as Jon presented a long, thin gift to Arya. He pinched Theon’s thigh when his boyfriend made a sarcastic comment about being surprised over the recipient of the gift. The odds of Jon giving the gift to anyone else had been slim but that didn’t mean they should be making incendiary comments about it. Christmas Day was one of the few days a year where a truce was held. No fighting was allowed to take place and Theon’s comment was exactly the kind of thing that would wind Jon up on a normal day.

“What is it?” Sansa asked curiously. She craned her head to try and see the gift easier as Rickon deliberately tried to block her view.

Arya teared the wrapping paper away and squealed with excitement as a sword was revealed. She stood up and tested the balance of the thin blade with careful consideration before launching herself at Jon. “It’s perfect!”

Jon quickly moved to avoid the sword in Arya’s hand and made sure there was no chance of either of them getting stuck with it as he hugged her back. “Careful, Arya, it’s not a toy.”

“No,” their mother agreed tersely. “It’s a weapon.”

“It’ll be fine, dear,” their father said. “I trust Arya.”

**~**

“So,” Robb nuzzled into the soft skin of Theon’s neck. “Should we skip out while they’re all distracted? It’s pretty cold down here but there’s a mountain of blankets upstairs with our name on it in my room and I know a few ways we could keep warm.”

Theon groaned, his grip tightening around Robb’s waist. “I hate you right now, Stark.”

“No, you don’t.”

“But _sword_,” Theon whined. “Arya asked me if I wanted to help her decapitate Sansa’s snowlady.”

Robb sighed, pressing his forehead against Theon’s collarbone. “Why am I not even surprised that you’re turning me down to spend time with my sister?”

“Because you know I love all things history?” Theon offered. He inched a hand up underneath Robb’s ugly Christmas sweater to palm the soft flesh right below Robb’s ribs. “And you decided to date someone whose main hobby other than fucking you and getting into trouble is using a bow and arrow? I promise I’ll make it up to you later.”

Robb cringed. He hated how Theon felt the need to make up for anything. They didn’t trade favours. Theon had been his best friend since kindergarten and Robb was pretty sure they’d passed the whole ‘what’s yours is mine’ thing back in middle school. “I’m not keeping score here, Theon. We’ll go decapitate Sansa’s snowlady and then go hide in bed while Sansa tries to get revenge on Arya without getting caught.”

Theon grinned. “This is why I’m going to marry you.”

Robb rolled his eyes and allowed Theon to drag him through the house and out onto the back porch. Arya was already sizing up Sansa’s snowlady with a feral grin on her face. Theon jumped off the porch into the snow with a childish yell and Robb had to reach out and grab Rickon by the back of his jumper to stop him from following.

“I wanna go kill the snowman too,” Rickon whined, trying to get away from Robb’s grasp.

“Snowlady,” Robb corrected. “It’s got a wig and a skirt on, Rickon.”

Rickon scrunched up his nose. “How did she even get the skirt on it?”

“I’ve got no idea, but you need to go see the school counsellor if you think I’m going to let you get anywhere near Arya and Theon while they’re messing around with a sword.” Robb hated being the responsible one of the group but Sansa wouldn’t get the opportunity to try and poison them all of their mum found Rickon in close range of Arya and Theon swinging around a sword like maniacs. “Mum and Dad are paying for our cafeteria cards when Theon and I go to college, Rickon. I’m not jeopardizing that.”

Rickon pouted. “Can’t you just get Uber Eats?”

Robb stared at his youngest brother. “Do you even understand how money works?”

“Sometimes Gendry pays me to not tell anyone I see him sneak out of the house really early some mornings?” Rickon shrugged. “But it’s mostly just like corner store candy money. Arya knows way too much shit about me, I’m not going to snitch on her for having sleepovers with her best friend.”

As Robb debated over whether or not they needed to have a chat with his sister about the whole Gendry situation, Arya stabbed the snowlady with a triumphant battle cry. The sword sank into the torso of the snowlady, narrowly missing the material of the skirt that clung wetly to the bottom half. She yanked it out and swung at the head of the snowlady and the head fell off, dropping to the ground with a heavy thud.

Theon cackled. “Throw me the sword.”

“Don’t throw him the sword,” Robb hastily called out.

Arya, of course, completely ignored him and threw the sword to Theon. Theon caught the sword clumsily by the blade and swore as he dropped it, blood dripping down his hand. Robb quickly covered Rickon’s eyes with his hands and yelled out for their mother. Arya fretted over Theon’s bloodied hand and bit her lip as she examined the wound.

“What is going on out here?” Their mother demanded, hands on her hips as she looked at Rickon struggling in Robb’s hold.

Theon swore like a sailor and held his hand out, blood dropping onto the snow beneath his feet. “I don’t think a band aid is going to fix this.”

“I’m sorry!” Arya cried, clutching Theon’s undamaged arm tightly.

“It’s fine,” Theon gritted out. “It’s just my palm, I’m not going to lose any fingers.”

Robb thought he heard his mother mutter something that sounded suspiciously like _I might lose some children, _but he couldn’t be quite sure, not with the sudden sound of Jon crashing onto the porch and Sansa screaming from her bedroom window upstairs.

**~**

Robb watched his mother give his father an unimpressed look. “You trust Arya, do you?”

His father looked at Theon who was high as a kite, drooling into Robb’s chest and cradling a bandaged palm. “I never said I trusted Arya _and_ Theon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jon was responsible for the rule. What do you all think?


End file.
